If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
