my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
