is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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