Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
