Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
