only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
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Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
MIDGETS
????
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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