This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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