how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
