If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
