Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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