There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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