We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
