Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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