i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Send help, water and tortillas.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
