we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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