I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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