You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
