I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
