Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
whose ass print is on the piano?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
