She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
