they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
