Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you had me at cake vodka
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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