i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.