i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
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I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
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The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.