Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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