I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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