well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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