I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
