I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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