I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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