i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
