Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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