I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
