The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
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Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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