Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
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Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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