if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
