it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
