On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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