Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
