Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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