I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
