why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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