Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
