Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
