my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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