for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
