between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
