You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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