A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
