I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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