I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Farmville is her only friend.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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