I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
