The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.