I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
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We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam