and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
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turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
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Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm getting married
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs