Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
