I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
