So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
