I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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