went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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