cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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