I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
