I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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