i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
