Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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