i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
