get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
