I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
