well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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